I created this blog as a way to help others who also suffer from trichotillomania. To help them see that they are not alone in their struggle, to create a place for open discussion about the disorder, a space to ask questions without judgement and as a way to offer the beauty advice I have accumulated over the years which can help cover or ease the disorder. On the whole, I want it to be a positive space on the internet that will help the progression of understanding the illness and help break down the stigma and ignorance of others. But that's the big aim. The small, everyday aim is centred around the person who may regularly read this site or stumble across it when searching for articles on trichotillomania. The ones who read this to find comfort in that there is someone out there like them- bald eyelids, struggling with the judgement of others, the fear of people knowing what you do. And whilst I try to keep this as a helpful, motivating site, it isn't sustainable. If I write about trichotillomania in a way which the everyday sufferer can relate, this cannot be wholly positive. Because it isn't a positive disorder- it is soul destroying.
There are, of course, moments where I think, 'I can stop pulling for X amount of months if I put my mind to it', 'I can find little ways of stopping', 'I can stop this disorder affecting my general wellbeing some day through little steps'. I'm sure every person with trichotillomania gets those wonderful spurts of positivity, motivation and determination to get through such a horrible, complex and exhausting disorder as trichotillomania. But generally, I find trichotillomania is like a weight pulling me down most of the time. Those moments of inspiration to beat it are just that- fleeting moments. I live with the thought that I will have this forever, which sucks quite a lot.
I try to stay positive about it on here, trying to spin these negatives into a positive for the sake of the other sufferers reading this site; I know how much suffering trichotillomania brings anyway, so to read about someone being so negative about it must only bring you down. Positivity, on the other hand, can inspire you. But I've realised that inspiration isn't the only thing us sufferers need. To be motivated to combat this disorder is great and exactly the dose of what we need at a certain time, but what we also need is reality. A big ol' dose of it. We need to read about the truths of trichotillomania, what is is really like to have this. We want to come to the internet to find we are not alone in this, and this includes sharing the down moments that comes with trichotillomania- because we all have them, and we are all not alone in them. It's comforting to know that someone else struggles the same as you, hates the disorder the same as you, wrestles with the negative emotions the same as you.
As a blogger, I am constantly bombarded with the reminder that I must stay positive at all times. 'Good vibes only'. Negative people are those who bring others down and the blogging world hounds them down and bullies them out. There is such pressure to stay cheery about everything, so when part of your blog is dedicated to something that is incredibly difficult to stay positive about because it drags you down every single day, things get a bit tricky. But, screw it. THIS IS NOT NEGATIVITY. It's reality. For me, and for everyone else who suffers from this pig of a disorder.
I hate trichotillomania. Recently I have been feeling so down about it. I had a huge pulling spree, lost all of my eyelashes, and I hate myself for it. I look in the mirror every morning and hate the way I look- like a bald alien. I stress about having to take my make-up off to go to the gym, dread having to wear false eyelashes every day, get paranoid that people might see my baldness through my disguises. I am so disappointed in myself for pulling so many out,- I showed absolutely no self-restraint and I am punishing myself for it. I hate what trichotillomania has done to my looks, my self-esteem, my perception of myself. It has added to my general anxiety recently which has impacted on my physical health. It's all well trying to see the positives in this, how the struggle will help to shape me as a person, but right now, I hate it and I am verging on hating myself.
But you know what, that's OK. It's part of the disorder, it comes as part of the trichotillomania package. Whilst it might not be pretty to read about my rant about hating myself and feeling guilty for how I rip the lashes from my lids, that's my reality. And I'm sure the self-loathing, disappointment and sore eyelids are a huge reality for many of you out there too. I'm not being negative, only showing a glimpse of what life with trichotillomania is really like- we all experience this, so why not share these low points to show others that they are not alone in how they feel? Positivity is great, but when it tries to shut out people discussing their realities, that's not so great. So from time to time, I will be writing perhaps more 'negative' posts about trichotillomania, because that is how I feel about the disorder sometimes. And it's how you feel about it sometimes. This site was created to be open, to show trichotillomania for what it is- warts and all- and show people that they are not alone in what they do and feel. It's not being negative, but simply showing the realities of our lives with the disorder.
Do you prefer reading posts showing the realities of the disorder, or do you prefer to more positive, inspiring posts? If you read to the end of this post, thank you for bearing with my rambling rants.