Pesky Gaps and Trich Triggers

As I sit here, I'm pausing every now and then to think of the right words. As I pause and take my hands away from the keyboard, my fingers immediately feel for my lashes. I brush over my lash line and wiggle the lashes apart, feeling for any that are noticeably different- most likely in length. But what is really getting me is the gap at the outer corner of both of my eyes. My lashes have recently grown back, but a couple of weeks ago as they started to burst in length, my trichotillomania was triggered and I ended up pulling a few lashes on those outer corners.

A very small gap formed. Since then, the urge to feel those gaps and the lashes bordering them has been almost impossible to ignore. Of all of my triggers, gaps are probably the worst. The obvious way around this would be to try and resist creating a gap in the first place, but as we know with trichotillomania that is far easier said than done. Even feeling the lashes getting so long that I can feel them brush against my skin as I blink...that sensation alone makes me want to feel those extra long lashes and pull them out.

As I single more lashes out around the gaps, more get pulled. My lash line is being pushed further back with each evening that passes. Currently, it can be covered with a bit of eyeliner- I can wear mascara on the rest and it still looks more or less as though I have a full set. But I'm worried about how long this will last. Sooner rather than later, the odd lash here and there will start to make a difference to how my eyes look. As I'm doing it I think 'one or two lashes won't hurt', justifying myself as I give in the the urges that have my mind locked onto these particular lashes, but really I know that the more I do this, the more sparse my lashes will look...until I give in altogether and leave myself with nothing.

I don't know what it is about gaps that make me just want to keep pulling until there's nothing left. And I don't know how to stop myself reaching for them, feeling the baldness before moving to the lashes. I do know that if I didn't feel the gaps I wouldn't want to pull, but I can't seem to take my hand away. It seems that this is becoming my 'downfall' at the moment- I feel so proud that I had a full lash line and am enjoying wearing mascara (or even going make-up free) so much, it would be so disappointing to see them all go again. But I guess that's trichotillomania for you!

Do you find gaps are a huge trigger for you? How do you manage to overcome the urges?

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  1. This is a post that is hugely familiar to me, it's the desperate need for a distraction before the hand gets to the eye..sometimes I succeed by recognising before I move my hand, as though there are some times when I can be really mindful and aware, but other times I am too overwhelmed. What's most annoying, is you can succeed many times, but it's that once where you end up pulling lots out. What I do think is that it doesn't hurt to keep trying not to pull, even if I do pull, like it's practising and hoping that one day the practice will mean I don't do it any more x

    1. It only takes one bad day to ruin all the hard work! But yes, it's so positive that there are so many moments when you CAN stop's a step in the right direction. xx

  2. Hi! I found your IG account and I find it extremely helpful for me. I've had trichotillomania for about 25 years. I really relate to feeling the gaps; that is a huge trigger for me. I never comment but felt compelled since I haven't heard someone describe this sensation in such a way before. Thank you for being brave and know you are doing a great service by speaking about your experiences!

    1. Hiya! Thanks so much for really means a lot to me when people get in touch as it makes me feel far less alone with this disorder! I think the gaps are the main struggle for me right now, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one :) And I am so glad you like the insta account!


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